Hello Giggles: The Unbearable Tweeness of Being

Note: So, some of you are probably thinking to yourselves, “yo, I did not sign up to read the snarking on Twilight 24/7 blog. Where’s the actual content?” And since I am nothing if not a people-pleaser, here’s some actual content for you.

I’ve thought a lot about writing this post.

Fundamentally, feminism is about choice. It’s about supporting women to make the choices that allow them to live the most empowered, positive lives they can. I’m an ardent believer in this. However, there are certainly women who make choices that are not feminist (e.g. Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter) choices, and are usually choices I disagree with.

There’s also content created by women that I don’t like, and that I think is somewhat offensive to women, even when those women don’t intend to produce offensive content.

I don’t like Hello Giggles. I think it’s twee, immature, silly, and, perhaps most importantly, not what it claims to be. It’s not an internet destination for smart, creative women. Smart, creative women who only want to read about kittens, “why boys are silly”, etc -well, they’re not the smart, creative women who I know. I’m not saying such women don’t occasionally enjoy such content, but 1) it’s hardly all they want, and 2) it’s hardly lacking on the internet.

Do you know where I go for my smart, creative ladycontent (ladycontent!! teeheee!)? Jezebel. Feministing. The Globe and Mail (insert your favourite newspaper here). Any number of blogs written by smart, creative women, covering actual topics that appeal to me as an intelligent, political, creative person.

To me, Hello Giggles comes off like a silly website for 12-year-olds, and not ones that are particularly bright, at that. It’s not offensive in and of itself, but I do find it offensive that its content is what I’m supposed to enjoy as a smart, creative woman. Look, I was over silly twee articles about crafting and giggling by the time I was 13. I’ve got nothing against crafting and rompers (I own a romper!), but I like to read about them in an adult tone of voice. I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with being interested in typically “little girl” things, but it’s really, really annoying to hear about cupcakes, The Baby-Sitters Club, and Hello Kitty as though they are the pillars of your personality or interests. For me, this is gender-blind: I don’t think males or females should be silly or immature or solely focused on childhood nostalgia. Grow the fuck up and read a book. A real book.

I also found the article “Don’t Be That Girl” to be down-right slut-shaming. Excuse me, but I thought that a female-friendly website wouldn’t focus on shaming women to conform to a patriarchal paradigm? Ladiezzz make sure you look cute and appropriate at all times lest teh doodz not approve! I have no interest in this bullshit, and that’s about the time I stopped reading Hello Giggles.

And seriously, the name? Look, I don’t want to hate on the femininity being performed by Zooey and her ilk because that’s completely, 100% legitimate. I’m not going to say that showing an interest in kittens or bunnies or blowing bubbles or bird necklaces or rainbows or whoopie pies or fro yo or whatever makes you a less intelligent woman; but at some point, I think that you have to recognize that these side-interests should be just that. Side interests. YOU ARE ADULTS. Ugh, I don’t know. The “Giggles” bit just kills me, though. I sincerely hope that you have more to bring to smart, creative ladies than giggling.

Oh, wait, you don’t? Huh.

What do you think of Hello Giggles?

I Read Twilight: Chapter 7

Here we go again!

(Catching up? Chapters 1/2/3/4/5/6)

Chapter Notes:

Bella’s home! Charlie doesn’t realize anything’s wrong because he’s excited about a baseball game. Naturally, this impedes with his concern for his only child. Teh menz only care about sports, duh!!!

And then this weird thing happens:

“I picked up a CD that Phil hadgiven to me for Christmas. It was one of his favorite bands, but they used a little too much bass and shrieking for my tastes. I popped it into place and lay down on my bed. I put on the headphones, hit Play, and turned up the volume until it hurt my ears. I closedmy eyes, but the light still intruded, so I added a pillow over the top half of my face. I concentrated very carefully on the music, trying to understand the lyrics, to unravel the complicated drum patterns. By the third time I’d listened through the CD, I knew all the words to the choruses, at least. I was surprised to find that I really did like the bandafter all, once I got past the blaring noise. I’d have to thank Phil again. And it worked. The shattering beats made it impossible for me to think — which was the whole purpose of the exercise. I listened to the CD again and again, until I was singing along with all the songs, until, finally, I fell asleep. “

I mean, I guess it’s the only logical way to deal with the fact that your crush is a vampire…Then she has a weird dream about forests and Jacob and wolves and Edward. It is a lot more complex than my dreams ever are.

“I hated using the Internet here. My modem was sadly outdated, my free service substandard; just dialing up took so long that I decided to go get myself a bowl of cereal while I waited.” This book is actually set in 1994, just in case anyone was confused. No, I’m joking. It’s not. Seriously, the only place I know of that has internet this bad (or did in 2005 or whenever this was written) is my cottage, which is LITERALLY in the middle of nowhere, and on an island. Forks is a town. Surely they have internet. This is not the Dark Ages! Ugh.”Naturally, the screen was covered in pop-up ads”. You know, in the 21st century, we have this thing called a “pop-up blocker”, but whatever.

Oh my god, when was the last time Stephenie Meyer used the internet? 1998? Did she write this mess on a typewriter? DISMAL “eventually…made it to [her] favourite search engine”, much like I did in 1999, long before the hegemony of Google. I wonder if DIMAL uses Yahooligans, the one my 8-year-old self always favoured. “I shot down a few more pop-ups [those darn pop-ups! If only there was some way to get rid of them!] and then typed in one word. Vampire.”

DUN DUN DUN DUN. Personally, I was on the edge of my seat, wondering what she was going to type in. Because Stephenie Meyer has never heard of Wikipedia, it takes DISMAL a long time to find a website offering useful information about vampires.

Sidenote: I hope that when I watch the movie, Robert Pattinson gets to say “I am vampyrrrrrre” the way Stephen Moyer does on True Blood. Somehow, I don’t think this is going to happen.

Blah blah blah DISMAL reads a book, things are really boring. Bella thinks about the possibility of Edward being a vampire, and thinks that he can’t possibly be a vampire because he can go about during the daylight. Okay. I mean, I get that Meyer wanted to be free to write whatever struck her fancy without worrying about conforming to vampire lore BUT there are a lot of qualifications for vampires, like fangs and sleeping during the day, and I don’t really know how these creatures that Meyer has created can truthfully be called vampires. Why couldn’t she just make up a new race of fantasy creatures? I don’t know.

DISMAL is freaked out because she thinks that if Edward really is a vampire, she should probably stay away, but this thought prompts her to think this: “ I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that alternative. My mind rejected the pain, quickly skipping on to the next option.” Really, the agony of despair? Has Bella ever experienced any real hardship? Also, she doesn’t even know this guy!

“I didn’t know if there ever was a choice, really. Iwas already in too deep.” They’re not dating! They’re not even really friends! They hardly know each other! You can still get out!

DISMAL goes off to the woods, as one does, where she sits blankly for like 4 hours. Then she returns to the house to write her Macbeth essay. Thrill city, right here.

DISMAL wakes up the next day and it’s sunny! In fact, it’s so sunny that she thinks “my blood was electric in my veins”. Well, I don’t even know what that means, but, alright then.  She then eats breakfast “cheerily”, which I don’t really understand either, but clearly understanding sentences written in this book is entirely too much to ask for. She gets to school early blah blah talks to Mike about the Macbeth essay: ”I didn’t add that I was finished with it — no need to sound smug”. LOL. Yes, because DISMAL is usually so modest.

Because DISMAL is THE CLEVEREST GIRL IN SCHOOL and Mike is dumb and no one is as smart as her except Edward, Mike has a hard time understanding her essay topic: ” ‘Whether Shakespeare’s treatment of the female characters is misogynistic’. He stared at me like I’d just spoken in pig Latin.” I’m actually surprised that 1) DISMAL knows what misogynistic means, and even more surprised that 2) Stephenie Meyer knows what misogynistic means. Personally, I envision many future high school essays discussing whether Meyer’s treatment of female characters is misogynistic. If I was in high school, and was forced to read Twilight (I know my old high school added it to the grade 9 reading list, although I’m sure that won’t last), I’d totally write about that.

Mike asks her out, and she’s all “no, Jessica likes you, ask her instead” and he agrees. Affections transfer so easily! All the boys love DISMAL!

DISMAL’s been invited to go out with Jessica and friends! Why anyone wants to spend time with her, I don’t know, but apparently everyone in this universe wants to. ”She, Angela, and Lauren were going to Port Angeles tonight to go dress shopping for the dance, and she wanted me to come, too, even though I didn’t need one. I was indecisive. It would be nice to get out of town with some girlfriends, but Lauren would be there.” SERIOUSLY, who the fuck is Lauren? You can’t just throw random characters in, not introduce them, and pretend that they were there all along! How did an editor not catch this? All it would take is one sentence in an earlier chapter.

Guess who’s not in school???? EDWARD FREAKIN’ CULLEN! “A shiver of panic trembled in my stomach as I realized it was empty. With dwindling hope, my eyes scoured the rest of the cafeteria, hoping to find him alone, waiting for me.” GIRL. GET A LIFE. Seriously, DISMAL need a life coach, or something.

“I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I went out tonight with Jessica and company.” And all because Edward Cullen wasn’t in school! Hmm…maybe because it was…SUNNY? The suspense is killing me. DISMAL’s mopey attitude is killing me.

Aaaaaand, we’re off to Port Angeles! See you in Chapter 8!

What We’ve Learned So Far:

• The mysterious Lauren is a bitch
• DISMAL sucks
• Mike is asking Jessica out instead
• Stephenie Meyer doesn’t understand the internet
• DIMAL may or may not believe that Edward is a vampire

Final thoughts: And here I thought we were getting a plot…

I Read Twilight: Chapter 6

So, remember, a while back, when I tried to think of a nickname for Bella? And I wanted to call her DISMAL (as in: Depressing, Insufferable, Smug, Miserable, Asinine Loser — I was going to say Lugubrious, bet let’s face it: Bella’s a loser.)? Well, I’m going to, starting now. Everyone needs a nickname.

But before we instil the nickname officially, let’s talk about the name Bella Swan. Okay, I get that her name is Isabella, but everyone calls her Bella. Her name means BEAUTIFUL SWAN. REALLY? This is just another reason why Twilight is like bad fanfiction, where no one can ever have a slightly ugly or unwieldly last name evaaar!

(Catching up? Chapters 1/2/3/4/5)

Chapter Notes:

Back at school! People are making fun of Bella for fainting. I take schadenfreude-ish joy in this.

“And I couldn’t stop the gloom that engulfed me as I realized I didn’t know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again.” Oh, I don’t know, probably a day. I can see how that could really get a girl down. Life, get a fucking life, DISMAL.

“Mike was animated again, putting a great deal of trust in the local weatherman who promised sun tomorrow.” Mike and the fucking weather! Mike just loves the weather, doesn’t he? Why does everyone in this book spend at least 40% of their time talking/thinking/complaining about the weather?

“I intercepted a few unfriendly glances from Lauren during lunch, which I didn’t understand until we were all walking out of the room together.” Oooh and then Lauren badmouths ol’ DISMAL, saying she should just sit with the Cullens from now on. Ooooh, burn. But seriously, have we heard of Lauren before? Who the fuck is Lauren?

The next morning – the  day of the OMG beach trip!!! – THE SUN IS OUT!!!

“I meant to sleep in, but an unusual brightness woke me. I opened my eyes to see a clearyellow light streaming through my window. I couldn’t believe it. I hurried to the windowto check, and sure enough, there was the sun. It was in the wrong place in the sky, toolow, and it didn’t seem to be as close as it should be, but it was definitely the sun.”

And here I was afraid it was Jupiter.

“Lauren shook out her cornsilk hair and eyed me scornfully. So it was going to be one of those days.” Wait, what? Who is Lauren? Has she habitually harassed Bella? Why have we not been told about it? Also, yeah “it was going to be one of those days” – WTF? One of what days, DISMAL? One of the 3 days a year where everyone doesn’t fall all over your feet, screaming about how they love you and you are the most perfect girl of all time?

I think I like Lauren.

Blah blah Mike loves DISMAL, makes her sit in the  front seat with him, Jessica is annoyed, but it’s crowded so Jessica and DISMAL share the front seat.

People want to look at tide pools but this is a BIG PROBLEM because DISMAL is VERY VERY CLUMSY, in case you didn’t know, which I didn’t. “It was a dilemma. On the one hand, I loved the tide pools. They had fascinated me since Iwas a child; they were one of the only things I ever looked forward to when I had to come to Forks. On the other hand, I’d also fallen into them a lot.” THE STUFF OF HIGH DRAMA, right here, ladies and gentlemen.

DISMAL decides to go because Lauren isn’t going. On the way back, she walks faster, so obviously she falls. “I tried to keep up better this time through the woods, so naturally I fell a few times. I got some shallow scrapes on my palms, and the knees of my jeans were stained green, but it could have been worse.” OKAY. Look. I am clumsy. I am not as clumsy as Bella OMGCLUMSY Swan, but I am clumsy. I cannot believe that the above scenario would ever happen unless she was RUNNING at a break-neck speed through the woods. Why is she so clumsy? Does she have size 20 feet? Explain your shit, Meyer!

They arrive back and there are more people at the campfire. Meyer describes them as having “shining, straight black hair and copper skin” because they’re Native, get it? OMG. Facepalm. Facepalm, facepalm, facepalm! Native! So exotic! Fuck you, Stephenie Meyer.

On the other hand, I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. I think Meyer just has a hard-on for overly flowery descriptions. Remember, Edward has bronze hair, ochre and or gold eyes, and porcelain skin, while DISMAL herself is ivory-skinned (I wonder how porcelain and ivory skin compare?). Amazingly, no one else in this book has gotten a physical description, other than that Mike looks like a golden retriever , Lauren has slick blonde hair, DISMAL’s mom looks just like her but older, and Dr. Cullen is the HOTTEST MAN ALIVE. Ugh.

DISMAL finally meets Jacob Black, of Team Jacob fame! Aww yeah, I’m excited. Jacob’s dad and DISMAL’s dad are friends, which I’m not sure if we knew. Apparently DISMAL used to play with the Black kids when the two of them went on fishing trips. ”Of course, I’d kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips bythe time I was eleven” What. A. Bitch. Seriously?

DISMAL and Jacob actually have fun talking! Jacob has interests! They joke! There are no weirdly intense conversations about how he might be a bad guy bleebleebloobloo random angst. Naturally, Lauren, this chapter’s antagonist, is there to shit on everything: ” ‘You know Bella, Jacob?’ Lauren asked –  in what I imagined was an insolent tone –from across the fire.” What? Either it is insolent or it isn’t insolent. Is DISMAL deaf? Did she read Lauren’s statement? How does she not know if it’s insolent or not? Does Lauren talk in monotone and everyone has to guess at her tone? One should not have to infer tone.

Blah blah some dude implies that the Cullens are not allowed at wherever they are. DISMAL is intrigued because she is interested in nothing but the Cullens. Oooooh DISMAL decides to flirt with Jacob! FOR INFORMATION! Scandal! She bats her eyelashes and pretends she thinks he’s older than he is. I was going to snark about this, but then I remembered that he’s 15 and she’s supposed to be a pretty, older girl, so, yeah, I think that would probably work. Well played, Meyer! Realism!

DISMAL is “making an effort to smolder at him”. I…I don’t really know what this means, but okay. Jacob reveals the Cullens are vampires! VAMPIRES! Well, I’m shocked! Shocked, I say! SHOCKED.

DISMAL, naturally, is actually shocked. Really, DISMAL, really? Did you really think he was Peter Parker?

What We’ve Learned So Far:

• ALL THE DUDES are into DISMAL ALL THE TIME
• Jacob Black has arrived! And is possibly hot? I’m not sure.
• DISMAL is REALLY CLUMSY, FYI
• Lauren is a bitch.
• Who’s Lauren?
• DISMAL and Jacob make friends
• EDWARD CULLEN IS A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Final Thoughts: Well, things seem to be picking up so far, so I’m actually minorly interested in reading the next chapter. The writing is still kind of like being hit over the head with a bat, but Jacob seems interesting and we have FINALLY learned that Edward is a vamp, so hopefully that will help the storyline advance. Plot development is fun! Wheeeee!

Books You Should Read Instead of Twilight

So, I’ve been ragging on Twilight a lot lately, calling it the worst book ever written, accusing Stephenie Meyer of being exceptionally stupid, and marvelling at its popularity.

All of this begs the question: well, what would I recommend you read instead? So, I thought I’d share some of the best books I’ve read this summer with you. No sparkly vampires, made-up words, or spineless heroines allowed. I promise.

The Painter From Shanghai by Jennifer Cody Epstein

Oh my god, this book was good. The Painter From Shanghai is a work of historical fiction that tells the life of Pan Yuliang, an early 20th-century Chinese Post-Impressionist painter. I finished this book only weeks after finishing a class called  ’Impressionism & Post-Impressionism’, so the timing was particularly apt. I love those artistic movements, and it was delightful to read about Pan Yuliang studying Cezanne, when I had so recently studied his works as well.

This book is tremendously well-written: the author deftly captures the changing times, the struggles that women and girls faced, the drive a painter feels for her art, etc, etc. Additionally, it really opened my eyes to how Westernized the study of Art History is (at least at my Canadian university) – I had no idea that there were any non-European/American painters considered post-Impressionists, and it amazed me that someone like Pan Yuliang could be overlooked when the status of women plays such an important role in the study of Impressionism, especially the oeuvres of Cassatt, Morisot, Degas, and Manet.

Just read this description and tell me you DON’T want to read it:

“Down the muddy waters of the Yangtze River and into the seedy backrooms of ‘The Hall of Eternal Splendor’, through the raucous glamour of prewar Shanghai and the bohemian splendor of 1920s Paris, and back to a China ripped apart by civil war and teetering on the brink of revolution: this novel tells the story of Pan Yuliang, one of the most talented – and provocative – Chinese artists of the twentieth century.

Jennifer Cody Epstein’s epic brings to life the woman behind the lush, Cezannesque nude self-portraits, capturing with lavish detail her life in the brothel and then as a concubine to a Republican official who would ultimately help her find her way as an artist. Moving with the tide of historical events, The Painter from Shanghai celebrates a singularly daring painting style – one that led to fame, notoriety, and, ultimately, a devastating choice: between Pan’s art and the one great love of her life.”

Right? Right. It’s so good. SO good. Go read it now.

I Read Twilight: Chapter 5

And the crazy-train just keeps a-rollin’…

(Catching up? Chapter 1/Chapter 2/Chapter 3/Chapter 4)

Chapter Notes:

Back at school, Mike “[gains] enthusiasm as he [talks] about the weather report”. SRSLY, Steph-Mey? At this point, the weather is a more advanced Twilight character than Bella is. Hint: if you are constantly using the weather to fill out your novel, perhaps you should not be a novelist. Bella doesn’t really listen blah blah Edwardcakes blah blah blah.

BREAKING NEWS: EDWARD HAS GONE HOME FROM SCHOOL. Reacting like any sane person, Bella loses her appetite and thinks to herself: “I just wanted to go sit down and sulk.” Naturally. BUT THEN HE ARRIVESSSSSSSSSS YAY. He invites Bella to sit with him, she loses her shit because he is teh hottesssst blah blah WHERE IS THE PLOT??

Edward reveals that he is now being pleasant to Bella because it was “too hard” to ignore her. They have a hugely boring conversation about whether or not they’re friends. I am so bored. She tells him she thinks he is Peter Parker or some garbage. This dialogue is SO BAD. SO BAD.

“It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.”

LOL. That’s really all I have to say on the subject. Edward’s eyes are now, apparently, ochre (Or, “ocher”, according to the American spelling of my book, which just looks plain weird, so I refuse to write it). I thought they were gold? Isn’t ochre, like, an orangey-brown colour? Like…dirt? Edward and his beautiful dirt-coloured eyes!!! Swooooon.

Bella’s not eating, and internally says she isn’t hungry because her “stomach was already full — of butterflies.” Okay, 3 things. 1) Gag. 2) Did you seriously write that in a PUBLISHED NOVEL, Steph-Mey? FOR REAL? SERIOUSLY? I wrote that shit in my diary when I was 12. 3) REALLY?!

Oooh and then Edward’s all “I might not be a superhero! I could be a bad guy!” and it’s supposed to be kind of dramatic and dangerous and bad-boy-esque, but I just don’t care. IT SAYS ON THE COVER that Edward is a vampire, can we just get on with it??? My god.

Science class. Edward is ditching for a reason that is soon apparent. Blood sample day! Bella instantly gets so nauseous she can’t walk, and Mike tried to escort her to the nurse’s but she sort of passes out in the hallway and he leaves (? I don’t remember, he just goes away and I don’t think it’s explained…) and then EDWARD APPEARS YAAAY EDWARD. Off to the nurse’s office!

See, sometimes, Meyer writes Edward kind of snarky and smirky with Bella, and it makes me like him a lot more. Instead of being all simper-y and dramatic, he jibes Bella about being her pathetic self. AND I LIKE IT. There, I said it. At least someone gives Bella a hard time, if only occasionally.

Blah blah Mike hates Edward OMG I don’t care, let’s get on with the plot. Bella is allowed to go home, and starts walking to her truck until Edward FREAKS OUT about how she can’t drive home by herself, grabs her and yells that he’s not letting her go home by herself. See everything I said above about ECul? I take that back. Calm down, crazy, calm down!

“I was mentally calculating my chances of reaching the truck before he could catch me. I had to admit, they weren’t good. ‘I’ll just drag you back, ‘ he threatened, guessing my plan.”

Um. Yeah. Is this supposed to be romantic? Because it’s not. It’s really not.

Bella and Edward have an actual conversation about her mother, but it’s still not interesting. Stephenie Meyer, listen up: you need either a good plot or compelling writing (preferably both), and right now, you are utilizing neither. NEITHER.

Then Edward’s like, “okay, don’t die this weekend” (BELLA IS REALLY CLUMSY REALLY REALLY CLUMSY, just in case you forgot).

End!

What We’ve Learned So Far:

• Bella faints at the sight/smell of blood
• Mike hates Edward
• Meyer does not utilize consistent characterization with Edward, so sometimes he’s snarky and kind of attractive, and other times he’s a creepy controlling freak
• Edward has dirt-coloured eyes and is possibly a BAD GUY NOT A SUPERHERO! OH NOOOOESSSSSS
• Edward is not normal but we still haven’t been told that he’s a fucking vampire, like, get on with it Meyer.
• Bella is REALLY CLUMSY, OKAY? OKAY? Have you got it, guys??

Final Thoughts: Yawn. Y-A-W-N. This shit is so boring. I don’t even care.

Updates: I’m now on Tumblr!

Hi friends!

Just wanted to let you all know that I have a Tumblr account, which I am primarily using to re-post my blog posts, so if you’re on Tumblr, please follow me!

If you’re interested in posting what I’ve written on tumblr, PLEASE link both to my WordPress blog (this blog) and to my Tumblr account. I’ve found things I’ve written reposted on Tumblr before and while I love that you like what I’ve written enough to share it, I want to ensure that I am getting credit for my work. 

Happy tumbling!

…Is that a word?

I Read Twilight: Chapter 4

Bonjour, mes amis!

Welcome back to I Read Twilight, now on the fourth instalment! I apologize for the brief delay; I had a slightly absurd bicycle accident on Friday that resulted in a fractured left arm (boo-urns!) and so it’s all one-handed typing over here. Also, I’ve had a busy schedule of whining; feeling nauseous/lightheaded from pain meds; sleeping; whining some more; making mental lists of activities I can no longer do; asking other people to tie my shoelaces/open my peanut butter jar/put my hair in a ponytail; feeling sorry for myself; and calling my mom to complain and freaking out about the rational suggestions offered in response, etc to contend with.

But, now, without further delay, I bring you my review of Twilight: Chapter 4! Let the rage begin!

Chapter Notes:

I just can’t with this chapter. THIS CHAPTER, MY GOD. Let’s get it started.

Blah blah blah dreams about Edward. Edward is the best so sexy, I don’t really care, I skimmed this.

Back at school everyone is obsessed with Bella, as if this is news in any way. Supposedly this is because Bella almost died. The dude who ran her over – Tyler – is also obsessed with her now. Obviously. He is “obsessed with making amends”, even after she tells him to go away. Real people do not behave like this. Mike, Eric, and Tyler are all involved in some sort of teenage boy dick measuring contest because they all loooove Bella but Bella doesn’t give a shit about anyone but Edward:

“No one seemed concerned about Edward, though I explained over and over that he was the hero — how he had pulled me out of the way and had nearly been crushed, too. I tried to be convincing. Jessica, Mike, Eric, and everyone else always commented that they hadn’t even seen him there till the van was pulled away. I wondered to myself why no one else had seen him standing so far away, before he was suddenly, impossibly saving my life. With chagrin, I realized the probable cause –no one else was as aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.”

Do you hear, everyone? Whatever is happening, Edward is the most important person in the story. He is so noble! So heroic! So amazing! Doesn’t he want to drink this girl’s blood? Have we learned that yet? Why does she like him so much? And, yes, Bella, it is pitiful. YOU ARE PITIFUL WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A PERSONALITY? ugh.

The Cullens are avoided by everyone. Look, if EVERYONE avoids these weirdos, maybe you should too. Just a thought.

“When he sat next to me in class, as far from me as the table would allow, he seemed totally unaware of my presence. Only now and then, when his fists would suddenly ball up — skin stretched even whiter over the bones — did I wonder if he wasn’t quite as oblivious as he appeared. He wished he hadn’t pulled me from the path of Tyler ‘s van — there was no other conclusion I could come to.”

Bitch, I wish he hadn’t pulled you away from Tyler’s van. Why does she waste her time with this weirdo? No explanation is offered.

“But he had in fact saved my life, no matter how he’d done it. And, overnight, the heat of my anger faded into awed gratitude.”

“Awed gratitude”? Are you serious? I can clearly see how these two are being set up to be equals when they inevitably date. Spoiler alert!!!!

Bella tries to talk to Edward by saying hi; he doesn’t respond so she decides all is lost. Persistence, thy name is Bella Swan. They don’t ever talk. Bella is miserable, and Meyer has the gall to call Bella depressed. Yeah, no. Bella’s not depressed, bitch, but thanks for belittling mental illness.

How pathetic is Bella Swan? She describes herself as MISERABLE because some weird guy who she spoke to like twice won’t talk to her anymore. YOU ARE PATHETIC. MOVE ON. Seriously, though, how much time has passed? What month is it? Stephenie Meyer: you might want to try describing something other than Bella’s dull, asinine thoughts. Might work well for the sequel.

You’d think that, after some guy you hardly know decided to totally ignore you for months, you’d just be like, “Well, he’s clearly a total weirdo,” and then move on instead of ANGSTING ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS and deciding it’s all your fault.

“The snow washed away for good after that one dangerously icy day. Mike was disappointed he’d never gotten to stage his snowball fight, but pleased that the beach trip would soon be possible. The rain continued heavily, though, and the weeks passed. Jessica made me aware of another event looming on the horizon — she called the first Tuesday of March to ask my permission to invite Mike to the girls’ choice spring dance in two weeks.”

SRSLY WHAT MONTH IS IT I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS. How much time has passed? Did Bella move to Forks in the fall? We saw the first snowfall so I assumed so…but how has the entire winter passed in, like, two paragraphs?? I can’t wrap my brain around this.

“Dancing was glaringly outside my range of abilities.” HEY GUYS BELLA IS CLUMSY BUT THE ADORABLE KIND DID YOU KNOW? I didn’t. If Meyer didn’t remind us every chapter I’d forget!! NOT. Bella isn’t going to the dance so she lies and says she is going to Seattle the day of the dance. You know, in my experience, most high school dances happen at night, not during the daytime. You might want to think of a better excuse next time, moron.

ALSO: Bella Swan is such a rebel!!!! She doesn’t like dances or other popular stuff!!! She just sits in her room and reads Wuthering Heights and is intimidated by handwriting and can’t play sports!!!! So different and special!!!! Boys like her even though she is boring and plain!!!!! SHE’S JUST LIKE ME!!1!!!!!!!

“I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company”. Maybe because you have THE WORST PERSONALITY OF ALL TIME? Just a thought.

On her obsession with Edward: “More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.” Ding ding ding ding ding! This should be the tagline for this book.

“His voice shouldn’t have been so familiar to me, as if I’d known the sound of it all my life rather than for just a few short weeks.” WHEN DID YOU MOVE TO FORKS I HATE YOU STEPHENIE MEYER. My Tylenol3-addled brain can’t handle this.

Bella and Edward have some dumbass fight about how they shouldn’t be friends (you’re not), Edward could NEVER have just let her die (he could’ve) and then Edward gets all soap opera-y and yells “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!” All right, this is more like it!

“I meant to sweep dramatically out of the room, but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the door jamb and dropped my books.” LOL.

None of the boys had Forks High School understand the concept of “Girls’ Choice Spring Dance” and Mike, Eric, and Tyler all ask Bella to the dance. (BELLA IS THE BEST, NEVARRR FORGET.)

Bella gets home and makes chicken enchiladas. I wish I was eating a chicken enchilada. Bella is analyzing everything Edward said. Shit, I do not miss high school at all.

“He must see how absorbed I was by him; he must not want to lead me on… so we couldn’t even be friends… because he wasn’t interested in me at all. Of course he wasn’t interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging — a delayed reaction to the onions. I wasn’t interesting. And he was. Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect… and beautiful… And possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.”

HOW CAN YOU HAVE A CHARACTER WITH NO FLAWS???? It doesn’t work, Meyer! It’s like the elementary law of character creation. Who wants to read about someone who is perfect? No one. Also, Edward isn’t perfect, he’s creepy and will later on turn out to be uber-controlling and patronizing, and I don’t understand how anyone can present such a dick as the perfect male specimen.

Also, Bella, you’re correct! You’re not interesting. And you are kind of stalker-y with Edward. Maybe you should just chill out, go out with Mike, look into “hobbies”, go for a run, read a less depressing book, transfer to a different Biology class, loosen up, and just fucking enjoy your life rather than living in Misery Central all the time. Girl, you’re about as interesting as a bag of hair, but you can change! I believe in you!

Why is this girl a role model? SHE SUCKS. Obviously evil murderous characters are worse than Bella Swan, but when I think about book characters who are supposed to be sympathetic, she is literally the worst one. THE WORST, I tell you.

Blah blah blah she talks to her dad, I skip that. Back at school!

Edward: “Bella, it’s not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.” BURN! Hahahahaha, I actually laughed out loud when I read that. Do you think Meyer intended that to be funny? Somehow, my money is on “no”. Edward insults her some more and says a bunch of weird crap.

I am actually mildly amused by Edward right now. Good job, Meyer! Edward asks Bella if she wants a ride to Seattle. Is this a date? Is this what people do on dates, drive each other places? I call that “carpooling” or “hitching a ride”, but what do I know. Edward says some confusing garbage about how he wants to be her friend even though it’s a bad idea; I pretend I care.

“His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn’t remember how to breathe.” Bahahhahahaha how can anyone keep a straight face reading this shlock? Who the fuck forgets how to breathe? Bella Swan: Brain Trust of America!

Edward leaves, telling Bella she should really stay away from him. You guys, I bet that’s totally what happens in the next chapter. I bet Bella removes the stick from her ass, makes some friends, and we never hear about Edward again.

I’m kidding, obviously. Meyer is milking this cash cow allllll the way home.

What We’ve Learned So Far:

• Bella doesn’t dance because she is CLUMSY. REALLY CLUMSY, OKAY? DO YOU GET IT SHE IS CLUMSY. BUT ADORABLY SO. OKAY?!
• Edward is the most perfect person EVARRRR
• Boys love Bella
• There is a dance coming up and all the boys want to go with her but she is going to Seattle even though dances happen at night and also she can’t dance. Did you get that last bit? Bella is really clumsy and can’t dance. SHE CAN’T DANCE, do you hear me?!
• Bella is really into Edward in kind of a stalker-y teenage girl way
• “Stephenie” is the stupidest thing I’ve ever had the misfortune to type
• WHAT THE FUCK MONTH IS IT WE HAVE NOT BEEN TOLD HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED I CAN’T DEAL
• Bella somehow forgets to breathe around Edward even though that is a physical impossibility, but whatever. Science is fun!!!!!
• Edward is going to drive Bella to Seattle, which may or may not be a date.
• Edward and Bella should not be friends but they can’t stay away from each other blah blah blah fishcakes I don’t care
• there are no other characters in this book

Final Thoughts: Why the fuck doesn’t this book have a plot? I fell asleep 3 times reading this chapter.

I Read Twilight: Chapter 3

Or: “My life’s Bella and I’m shit in every way.”

Chapter Notes:

Bella wakes up and realizes the light looks different. It has snowed. Bella is miserable. It is icy and she might fall. Bella is more miserable. I’m shocked. SHOCKED, I TELL YOU, SHOCKED!

I just have to tell you that I thought reading a trashy book about a forbidden romance with a vampire would be slightly more exciting. Instead, I’m reading about falling on the ice. Negligible differences.

“I felt excited to go to school, and that scared me. I knew it wasn’t the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends. If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid. I should be avoiding him entirely after my brainless and embarrassing babbling yesterday.”

1. Is she being sarcastic about the learning environment and her new friends? Why, yes, I think she is! Remember, Bella is soooo much smarter and better than everyone else in Forks (except the perfect Cullens), so there’s no way she’d be excited about school or friends. School or friends?! What kind of book do you think this is, anyway?
2. “And that was very, very stupid,”; yes, but you are very, very stupid, so I don’t think it’s that surprising. Yesterday you were intimidated by someone’s handwriting. Dude, get a grip.
3. No, you should be avoiding Edward Cullen because he’s a creepy motherfucker who stares at you all the time and is perfectly white and has multicolour eyes and tried to switch out of your class/missed a week of school after meeting you for the first time.

“And I was suspicious of him”. So, Bella initially had a survival instinct, interesting…

“It took every ounce of my concentration to make it down the icy brick driveway alive. I almost lost my balance when I finally got to the truck, but I managed to cling to the side mirror and save myself. Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish.” This is what is passing for a suspenseful chapter plot, thus far. The fucking ice. Will Bella slip on the ice????!!?!? I’m on the edge of my seat.

Boys think Bella is more attractive in Forks than in Phoenix blah blah blah maybe it’s because they haven’t yet figured out that you’re abhorrent. Just a guess. “Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress.” Don’t worry, Bella, I still think you’re pathetic.

A car almost crashes into Bella and Edward leaps in and throws the car away from her or something, I kind of skimmed this part, I won’t lie. Stephenie Meyer tries to pass “abrupt Bedlam” as a legitimate descriptor, but fails. I’m pretty sure abrupt means brief/rapid, and that doesn’t fit this scene at all. Does Meyer know what words mean?

How did Edward get to Bella so fast? Bella demands to know, showing an ounce of curiosity, intelligence, and backbone for the first time.

“He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me…” Yes, I understand exactly what this means. Are they a weapon? Can he shoot fire from his eyes? That would be kind of cool, actually. This is actually just Meyer’s way of reminding us that Edward is the OMGMOSTBEAUTIFUL person ever. Shut up, Meyer. Who has gold eyes? He sounds like C-3PO or something.

Bella is THE MOST EMBARRASSED because they put her into the ambulance with the whole school watching. Yeah, you almost died, don’t think anyone is going to be make fun of you for this, but whatever, weirdo.

We meet Dr. Cullen, Edward’s dad (?)/foster-dad. “He was young, he was blond… And he was handsomer than any movie star I’d ever seen.” This is the entire description. Evocative. Also, “handsomer”? Really? Is that a word?

” ‘You owe me an explanation, ‘ I reminded him. ‘I saved your life — I don’t owe you anything.’  I flinched back from the resentment in his voice. ‘You promised.’ ‘Bella, you hit your head, you don’t know what you’re talking about.’ His tone was cutting.”

What a charming guy. I can really see how you could lose your identity, humanity, ambitions, and sense of self all to (spoiler!) marry him and have his vampire babies.

“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face.” If I was Meyer, I’d get so sick of coming up with grandiose ways to say “Look, he was hot, and I couldn’t stop staring.” Also, that descriptor is weird and makes me think of ancient Greek tragedy masks:

“The waiting room was more unpleasant than I’d feared. It seemed like every face I knew in Forks was there, staring at me.”

Since Bella is the queen of the universe, everyone has disrupted their day to go and see if she’s recovered from hitting her head, never mind the guy who actually crashed his car or whatever, and she’s too much of an asshole to care. Oh nooooess too many people came to see me at the hospital, so humiliating!!!!

Everyone loves Bella, she doesn’t give a shit about anyone. The usual. Mike and Jessica and whatever sad excuse for a supporting character that Meyer has trotted out are trying to show concern, so Bella books it out of the hospital so that she doesn’t have to, like, be gracious or thankful.

Car ride home: “I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I barely knew Charlie was there.” Oh please, like you’re ever aware of anything but your own stupid thoughts. Girl, please.

Blah blah she has some dream about Edward. Not a sex dream, which is where I thought we were going for a minute. Oh, and this is Chapter 4, so I’m out!

What we’ve learned so far:

• Something Is Up with Edward. If this book weren’t absurdly popular, I might not know that it’s that he’s a vampire, but I do, so, there’s that.
• Bella can’t walk on ice. How will she survive the winter?!?!
• Edward is THE HOTTEST. Nevaaaar forget!!
• BUT WAIT maybe his Dad is hotter. HOW CAN THIS BE?! NO ONE IS HOTTER THAN EDWARD.
• Bella is an asshole who everyone loves.
• Grammar is hard.

Final thoughts: Seriously, teen girls of the world? Look at your life, look at your choices, and go read a book that doesn’t use weather as a subplot.

Loaded Question: If You Could Live In Any Historical Time Period, Which Would You Choose?

As a history student, I’ve been asked this question a lot. I think that its presupposed that most history students love past historical civilizations and societies (guilty as charged) and think that they are, in some way, preferable to the modern world (I absolutely do not think so).

When I’m asked this question, often by male friends, there’s only one answer I can give: today. Today, today, today. There is no historical time period I would EVER choose to live in over the modern day, for a variety of reasons (modern medicine, better nutrition, modern democracy, etc), but the strongest one is because I am female.

If you are female, there is no historical time period in which your life would not have been absolute shit. For the vast majority of history, regardless of culture, women had no/few rights, were treated like chattel, frequently raped, frequently died in childbirth, were burnt as witches, had no control over their bodies/reproduction, sold into prostitution, received no education, punished for inhabiting public spaces,  had no sexual and were seen as secondary in every way. Even the simplest things become awful when contemplating history: imagine trying to deal with your period in 1815 or 1480 or 650. Awful.

Even in the 20th century, the possibility of being a woman in 1950 seems abhorrent to me. The way the status of women has improved in the last 50 years is insane – the fights women have gone through for reproductive rights (from abortion to birth control), bodily autonomy, legal punishments for sexual harassment, better justice for rape victims, (not quite) equal pay – the list goes on. From the legal to the financial to the personal to the educational, the status of women has improved exponentially in the last 50 years. Of course, things are still far from perfect, but things are better to an unfathomable degree.

Because the answer to this question is so obvious to me, I often feel that this is a very male question to ask. However, after talking it over with a friend, I have realized that this is also very much a white – and very Eurocentric – question to ask, something I had never thought about before.

Because, obviously, 1610 in France is very different than 1610 in India. And perhaps someone currently living in India thinks that living in pre-colonial India is different than living in post-colonial India.

What do you think of this? Is it a white question? A male question? A Eurocentric question? Or just one that I’m over-analyzing?

 

I Read Twilight: Chapter 2

Twilight again! Chapter two! You can read my assessment of chapter one here, and why I’m reading it here.

Chapter Notes:

School again! “The next day was better…and worse”. Dramatic. We get a list of reasons why it’s better (not raining, knew what to expect, she knows people) and why it’s worse (tired, couldn’t answer Trig question, had to play volleyball and hit teammate).

Oh my god, this is so high school. In a way, I think this book would work a lot better if it was Bella’s diary, you know? Like, the asinine teenage things Bella thinks would sound a lot better as a diary entry.

BUT THE WORSTEST PART OF ALL? Edward Cullen isn’t in school!!!! “All morning I was dreading lunch, fearing his bizarre glares”…well, that sounds about right. I don’t really understand why it’s bad he’s not in school, but she gets tenser and tenser, waiting for him to arrive and GLARE AT HER THE HORROR. Not glaring!!!!

She admits to being too cowardly to confront him, and remarks that she makes “the Cowardly Lion look like the Terminator”. A generation’s role model, ladies and gentlemen. I miss Hermione Granger.

Blah blah blah Bella eats lunch, Stephenie Meyer describes everything in detail even though it is boring.

Mike – we met him last time, but I don’t think I told you about him – is into Bella, and Bella is “going to have to do something” about it, because Bella likes other people as much as Sheldon Cooper does. Why would she date the cute, regular, nice boy who likes her? What kind of suggestion is that?!?! SPARKLY VAMPIRES 4 LYFFEEE!1!!!!111!!!

Bella spends the rest of her day worrying about Edward, and fretting that he’s not in school because of her. I mean, it’s one day, it’s not like he’s been gone for a month. She evades Mike, the only person who seems to like her, as one does.

The Cullens are rich! They have fancy clothes!

Bella goes shopping because her Dad can’t even fry an egg (!!) (how did he eat before her?) and only women cook, duh.

Her Mom has emailed her three times and then says that she wants her to email back or she’s going to call. This seems reasonable, as her daughter has just flown across the country and she hasn’t heard from her. Bella, however, thinks this is totes weird and emails back and says, “Mom, don’t do anything rash”. RASH? Really? I can see writing “Don’t freak out, I’m fine”, but rash? It would be rash if she was going to call the police, not the house. Learn what words mean, Meyer. Go big or go home.

Bella reads Wuthering Heights for fun. I was going to be all, “Who does that?!” but I used to read The Bell Jar in high school for fun, so what do I know, I can’t comment.

WTF Bella makes dinner AND washes the dishes while her Dad watches TV. One, I understand, but both? RUDE. If you cook, you don’t do the dishes. Is that only my rule?

School gets better, but Edward’s not there!!!! “By Friday I was perfectly comfortable entering my Biology class, no longer worried that Edward would be there. For all I knew, he had dropped out of school. I tried not tothink about him, but I couldn’t totally suppress the worry that I was responsible for hiscontinued absence, ridiculous as it seemed.” You know who’s responsible for Edward not being in school? Edward.

“I was invited, and I had agreed to go, more out of politeness than desire. Beaches should be hot and dry.” We get it. It rains a lot. We know. You hate the weather. Get over it and try to not be such a smug uppity bitch all the time, Bella.

Bella is the most perfect, boring person ever: “I cleaned the house, got ahead on my homework, and wrote my mom more bogusly cheerful e-mail.”

“I did drive to the library Saturday, but it was so poorly stocked that I didn’t bother to get a card.” Bella is the only reader in Forks! No one read in Forks before Bella Swan! Bella is special! and different!

Edward’s back in school! He’s being really nice and normal but Bella is acting like a weirdo and can’t stop staring at him because he is SO BEAUTIFUL. They do their science lab and are both so much better at it than everyone else in the class (obvs).

His eyes are changing colour! His hands are cold! Fists clenched! Magic is afoot! Or something.

Bella is intimidated by his handwriting. I wish I was the kind of person who could say “y’all” and have it be an entire expression of all that is exasperating to them, because  that is what I would put here.

Ooooh we finally get an explanation for why Bella has come to Forks! It’s dumb. Her mother got remarried to a minor league baseball player and he travels a lot. Bella’s mother gets lonely without him so Bella moved to Forks so that her mother could be with her new husband all the time. Yes, that sounds exactly like something a 16-year-old would do.

“But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see,” Edward tells her, but, oh, I’m pretty sure she’s letting evvvvveryone know just how miserable Forks makes her. Bella Swan: Depressing, Insufferable, Smug, Miserable. I tried to spell out DISMAL but couldn’t think of anything for A or L. Suggestions?

As Bella gets in her car to go home, she sees Edward staring RIGHT AT HER from across the parking lot. Creeep-ay! In high school, a friend and I laughed ourselves into hysterics at Seventeen’s suggestion that, in order to catch a dude’s eye, you should stare at him from across a crowded room. Perhaps Edward read the same tips, they were published around the same time.

What we’ve learned so far:

• Edward seems to be warming up to Bella, although still acting weirdly
• Mike is possibly into Bella
• Bella is into Bella
• Bella is a wimp
• Hermione Granger was awesome
• Nothing really happens in this chapter

Final thoughts: Well, nothing really happened in this chapter. Bella was miserable, but that’s hardly news. Wake me up when something interesting happens.

Until next time, friends!